| I write to remember, because I'm a million miles away |
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Schuyler. the girl anachronism.
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| Kick me when I fall down |
[Tuesday
November 6th, 2007 at 3:59pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
I NOT ONLY HAVE A BROKEN LEFT FOOT, BUT, LAST NIGHT, MY LFT KNEE DISLOCATED AGAIN NOW TOO. WHAT THE FUCK?!
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| I felt you like electric light |
[Monday
November 5th, 2007 at 8:02pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
I slowly come to the realization that I spend more time feeling sorry for myself for so many mind consuming reasongs, couting my mistakes and loses. I spend another portion of my time trying not to bry, because my life has turned out this way, and I always manage to screw up any relationship no matter what the level of the relationship was, and never get the level of intensity in the relationship that I want. I haphazzardly and routinely get my heartbroken or make myself the monsterous heart breaker.
Bad things happen, because I'm me.
Painfully, I'm so locked up in my own head, that my head voice is the only thing close enough to a real person that I can talk to or talks to me. Well, actually, screaming at me most of the time in the most negatively enforced way.
Conversations, thoughts, things I'm doing wrong, I'm fat, I'm boring, my head says it all. It's getting louder and stronger and they all lied when they said the medications would stop it.
When I was younger, it was just as loud but the issues were underdeveloped and simpler. Then, for awhile, when some random occurance that allowed me getting something I wanted, I could control the voice and it goes away for a time. But then the paranoia of losing what have and wanted so badly for so long and rightfully deserved takes over. Then I lose.
I can't make the voice shut the fuck up anymore. It reminds me of all my insecurities and faults. How do I know that the voice isn't wrong? What if it's been right all along?
The voice gets louder and louder, controlling my thoughts to its own discretion but unable to control me in a positive way. My thoughts race, paranoia increases, and I can't do anything about it. Things could get easier or turn harder and still the voice dominates. I am sick to death of the sound of my own head voice.
It's not the schizophrenia-type voice(s) that takes over. No, not the numerous voices that dominate their lives and make them prisoners of their own minds. No, that's different than my head voice. My voice is singular and loud, and screeches inside of me. The kind of voice that makes you want to stand at the top of a huge buliding and scream your heart and lungs out until you're blue in the face and gasping for air; the kind of voice that makes you want to punch your fist through things- walls, windows, mirrors; makes you want to slam your head on hard surfaces; makes you want to stop your feet on floors and kick doors down. How the hell am I ever going to make it stop?
It makes me wonder constantly what people are thinking. Not only what they're thinking of me, but what they think in general. I am constantly making up things in my head, guessing what people are really thinking. It's like I want me to get out of my head. It makes me believe that I'm missing out, that everything is happeing to everyone else.
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| If the blows could have just a little more space in between them |
[Sunday
October 21st, 2007 at 6:16pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
I'm fizzling out like a dying shooting star. I'm burning out like a unattended fire. I'm exhausted and worn out. I'm losing my fucking mind.
I will be coming back. I'm leaving for California on the 2nd of November. I will be writing everyday while I'm gone.
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| I am music. |
[Monday
July 2nd, 2007 at 8:54am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
from ![[info]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) goodbye2am.
list seven songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre,
whether they have words, or even if they're not any good,
but they must be songs you're really enjoying now;
post these instructions in your livejournal along with your seven songs,
then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to
Marilyn Manson - Heart-Shaped Glasses
The The - This is the Day
Elliott Smith - Kings Crossing
Creeper Lagoon - Under the Tracks
Blur - Brothers and Sisters
Blind Melon - 2 X 4
Radiohead - Talkshow host
tagging everyone.
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| I blame myself |
[Saturday
June 30th, 2007 at 11:32am] |
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mood |
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 hot |
] |
the act of growing up
becomes the art of giving up, cleaning up
settling into the routine of figuring it all out
and all the "what if"s, become the "without a doubt"s
so then life turns into a game to the people
who think everyone else is playing games with them
and we all race to the finish line in false pretenses
to prove to the world that "this is who I am."
and the preparation the world has provided
leaves us with sincere disappointment and failed senses
every dream we had about what we wanted to be
the important role of business man, the artist, and the bourgeoisie,
the teacher, the lawyer, the rich and prominent doctor,
the mother, the father, the sons and the daughters,
the writer, the loser, desk jobs and self help counselors,
who we are and what we are have become completely seperate things
so that the act of growing up, is all the world brings.
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I want to believe that I can fix myself
that nothing truly bad
has snapped in head
the mistake in my biological make up,
can automatically contain itself.
I am defined by the medication I take each day
I am the mis-fired synapse of my brain
I am metaphorical today.
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| these days, I'm changing all my strings |
[Tuesday
April 24th, 2007 at 4:54pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
OH I'M SO SICK!!!!!!!!
Last night I had to go to the emergency room because I was vomitting and peeing blood. I don't even think you could say I was really peeing since it was just completely blood. Turns out I have an extremely bad kidney and bladder infection. OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It feels like I ate a meal made of glass shards and they're tearing up my lower tummy and out. It hurts so bad to pee that I've been making an effort not to. Which is probably no good. I am drinking lots of fluids like they say and taking my meds. But I do not feel good at allllllllllll.
Please leave me love.
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| happy birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[Saturday
April 21st, 2007 at 2:37pm] |
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mood |
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 amazing! |
] |
I AM 20 TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!
much to write about! will do so later! :O)
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| the world is spinning too fast |
[Sunday
April 15th, 2007 at 10:56pm] |
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mood |
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 explosive head |
] |
have you ever felt that there was so much in your head and no way to get it out?
I feel I have so many things up there that need to come out but when I go to get them out they don't want to form in any other state than the one that they're in.
as if you could peel back the top of my head and thousand things would come shooting out.
I tried a lot of things.
it feels like a different form you know?
if thoughts could have a solid or liquid or gaseous state then I suppose right now my head is in it's gaseous state and I need to make it solid.
but everything has a different freezing point.
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| you see it's more productive than if i were to be healthy |
[Monday
April 9th, 2007 at 9:03pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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tired of seeking cheep thrills
in regular, normal places.
sick from relationships with
prescription pills
just to fill empty spaces
and seeking affection
from the coldest of hearts
I'm searching for myself
but my-self is falling apart
"brothers and sisters...
we're all drug users..."
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| I'm a fucking work of art. |
[Thursday
April 5th, 2007 at 10:23pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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PaloAlto86: I told the "10,000 battered women and a deaf guy" joke to my parents
PaloAlto86: my dad thought it was hilarious, my mom gave my dad a dirty look, and suddenly my dad didn't think it was so funny anymore
PaloAlto86: yeah, me and jesus were hanging out watching the sixth sense the other day, and when that kid said that he saw dead people I turned to him and was gonna be like "hey j, don't YOU see dead people?" but before I could get a word out he beat the fucking shit out of me and screamed "I HATE THAT DAD DAMN JOKE"
F e a r less Me: man who knew drugs were addictive?
F e a r less Me: they should teach us that or something!
PaloAlto86: I knew, believe it or not I'm a D.A.R.E. Graduate with a Minor in "Cigarettes are bad" and a Major in "Man I'm so fucked up".
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| my box. |
[Wednesday
April 4th, 2007 at 11:21pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
] |
If you don't know what the title of my journal is about, you're wicked silly retarded.
F e a r less Me: sometimes I wish the icons on AIM were bigger
F e a r less Me: so i could put up a really skanky picture of something
F e a r less Me: and have it be like RIGHT THERE
remmmmyyy: haha like what
remmmmyyy: paris hiltons vagina?
F e a r less Me: BIG BOOBS
F e a r less Me: no man, your vagina.
remmmmyyy: i hope not right now
remmmmyyy: its not in the best of spirits
remmmmyyy: what with having a massive yeast infection and all
remmmmyyy: oh ya. i went there.
F e a r less Me: as least it's not the clap.
remmmmyyy: i suppose your right.
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| words, words, words |
[Wednesday
April 4th, 2007 at 6:14pm] |
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mood |
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 giggly |
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I've been writing a lot of poetry. It's fucking ridiculous. But it's good to know I've got my flow back.
( po-ism 1 )
------------------------------
( po-ism 2 )
------------------------------------------------
( po-ism 3 )
----------------------------------------------
( po-ism 4 )
--------------------------------
( po-ism 5 )
---------------------------------------------------
( po-ism 6 )
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| welcome home |
[Sunday
April 1st, 2007 at 11:01pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
I am back. I promise.
I have much to write about starting tomorrow.
Believe me, it's a lot.
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| shadows on the moon |
[Thursday
March 29th, 2007 at 11:06pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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these are moments that arrive without the ease of reason
and never tries leaving normal, to satisfy a plan
for feeling constant the lexis of treason
consistency, unjust hesitation, stand to stand
what's another word for desperation?
another added second, we refused to miss
a broken section in conversation
the prevarication too hard to resist
what's another word for desperation?
a repetition for lost souls
an unwanted situation,
we're feeling tattered, full of holes.
what's another word for desperation?
an uncomfortable silence
the unforgivable secrecy of frustration
and commitments that contends.
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| note: |
[Wednesday
March 28th, 2007 at 11:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cold |
] |
I promise to come back soon!
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fearlessme's journal
