I slowly come to the realization that I spend more time feeling sorry for myself for so many mind consuming reasongs, couting my mistakes and loses. I spend another portion of my time trying not to bry, because my life has turned out this way, and I always manage to screw up any relationship no matter what the level of the relationship was, and never get the level of intensity in the relationship that I want. I haphazzardly and routinely get my heartbroken or make myself the monsterous heart breaker.
Bad things happen, because I'm me.
Painfully, I'm so locked up in my own head, that my head voice is the only thing close enough to a real person that I can talk to or talks to me. Well, actually, screaming at me most of the time in the most negatively enforced way.
Conversations, thoughts, things I'm doing wrong, I'm fat, I'm boring, my head says it all. It's getting louder and stronger and they all lied when they said the medications would stop it.
When I was younger, it was just as loud but the issues were underdeveloped and simpler. Then, for awhile, when some random occurance that allowed me getting something I wanted, I could control the voice and it goes away for a time. But then the paranoia of losing what have and wanted so badly for so long and rightfully deserved takes over. Then I lose.
I can't make the voice shut the fuck up anymore. It reminds me of all my insecurities and faults. How do I know that the voice isn't wrong? What if it's been right all along?
The voice gets louder and louder, controlling my thoughts to its own discretion but unable to control me in a positive way. My thoughts race, paranoia increases, and I can't do anything about it. Things could get easier or turn harder and still the voice dominates. I am sick to death of the sound of my own head voice.
It's not the schizophrenia-type voice(s) that takes over. No, not the numerous voices that dominate their lives and make them prisoners of their own minds. No, that's different than my head voice. My voice is singular and loud, and screeches inside of me. The kind of voice that makes you want to stand at the top of a huge buliding and scream your heart and lungs out until you're blue in the face and gasping for air; the kind of voice that makes you want to punch your fist through things- walls, windows, mirrors; makes you want to slam your head on hard surfaces; makes you want to stop your feet on floors and kick doors down. How the hell am I ever going to make it stop?
It makes me wonder constantly what people are thinking. Not only what they're thinking of me, but what they think in general. I am constantly making up things in my head, guessing what people are really thinking. It's like I want me to get out of my head. It makes me believe that I'm missing out, that everything is happeing to everyone else.